Undesirable

Yep, that's what I am.  Or rather, that's what I've been told I am now.  A "friend" that I had known for a couple of years, one that I had been there for throughout the rough times in his life, told me the other day that I was less desirable to good men now that I going to be a single mom.  Oh, and he told me I was deluding myself in thinking that it shouldn't be that way.  Great friend he was.

Okay, I get it.  Most guys aren't going to be interested in a single mom.  And, having been here at Liberty, I've heard the rants about keeping yourself pure, and saying that if you aren't a virgin you're like a glass of water that's been spit in - nobody wants you.  "You're dirty, and used," is what LU students hear.  If you've had sex before, it's like you're a second-rate Christian.

But that's not true.  My sin has not changed who I am.  My identity is the same.  And as a Christian, my identity is found in Christ.  Christ took my sin upon Himself and gave me His perfect righteousness.  So when God looks upon me, and Satan is there pointing the finger saying "Look at her! Look at what she did!" Christ steps in front of me, and says "She's one of mine," and God only sees Him.  I can stand in front of God with my head high because I wear Christ's righteousness and because I have been granted forgiveness and mercy.  Why should I not hold my head high in front of mankind too?

I know who I am.  I am a daughter of the King, the Most High, which makes me a princess.  I am redeemed.  I am a sinner, saved by grace.  And I know the God I serve.  He's not the God of second chances.  Rather, he's the God who always has His arms open to me offering me grace and forgiveness whenever I fail, whenever I sin, whenever I make a mistake, and I turn to him with remorse and repentance.  And you know what?  Instead of pushing me away, and telling me I'm less desirable, He draws me close and reminds me of His love for me.

And so yes, to Christians who don't truly understand what their own depravity is like, and what Christ truly did for them on the cross (and, I would argue, what true love, relationships, and marriage really are all about, i.e., being a Christ-figure and servant to the other person), I am less desirable.  But I take comfort in the fact that there is a young man out there who someday will see me as Christ sees me.  He's out there, I just need to be patient.

(Lord, just pleasseeee don't make me wait until I'm 35 and my kid is in high school.  Please?  *sigh*)

Catching up

It has been quite a while since I last posted.  Since then, it feels as though my world had started to come together and then, just like that, turned upside down.

June 4, 2013 - This day I finally swore in as a soldier in the Virginia Army National Guard.  A feeling of pride and confidence almost overwhelmed me as I held my hand in the air and repeated the Oath of Enlistment.  It had taken a total of 4 trips and 6 days to the Beckley MEPS to finally get to that moment, but I believe it was worth it.  I had enlisted with an MOS of 15T, Blackhawk crewmember.  My plan was to complete BCT and AIT, return to college which would finally be paid for by tuition assistance, working part time, and my drill pay.  Once I graduated college, I would become a warrant officer in the Guard, and fly helicopters.  I was going to be drilling with a MedEvac unit, so I knew should we be deployed, I would be on the front lines evacuating wounded soldiers.  And I was certain this was what I wanted to do.

August 12, 2013 - My bags were packed with what little I was taking to boot camp.  I was as prepared as I could be.  I had run every other day over the summer, swam, done sprints, push-ups and sit-ups.  My mile was down to 8:00, and I'd hit 35 push-ups and 35 sit-ups, each in a minute.

I and the other recruits from Virginia spent 2 days at Ft. Pickett, sitting in class and getting prepared for BCT.  We then were split up to go to our separate training sites.  I went with a group down to Ft. Jackson, SC where we would spend a week in Reception Battalion.  By this time, we were used to hearing Drill Sgts scream, walking in single file, not talking while standing in line, and eating as fast as we could in the DFAC.  At least the National Guard recruits were, as we had drilled at our respective RSPs for one weekend each month.  The others....not so much.  I have never seen so many recruits not understand what "Shut up!" means.  My momma taught me that one a long time ago.

Then, Monday, the day I was supposed to ship with my platoon to actually start basic training, I found out I would be going back home.  A stupid mistake happened before I'd left for basic training, the morning-after pill failed, and I was pregnant.  I sat there in Medical in absolute shock.  Every single one of my plans came crashing down around me it seemed.  And this path to go into the military...I'd prayed over it, begged God to show me if it was the right thing for me, asked him to close the door if He didn't want me to join....He'd brought me all the way to South Carolina, and then slammed the door in my face.  Suddenly, my career was gone, the funding for college was gone (how on earth was I going to pay for college now????), my reputation was gone...  I was going to be a single mother, working my way through college, somehow.

And so, after a week as a holdover, I finally got onto a plane and was headed home.  I swear, the airport and the airplane never looked so beautiful in my life.  Although, as I got tired as the day wore on, I started to get paranoid.  Suddenly, a civilian would look and sound like one of the Drill Sgts, and I was wanting to hide; I began checking ranks on soldiers that passed by in uniform to make sure I was "safe" and didn't have to jump to attention or parade rest, never mind I was in civilian clothes.  Finally, after a very long day, I arrived home, two days before my 20th birthday.

Now, I'm back in Lynchburg.  I'm living with an older couple because I can't afford rent on my own.  I deal with morning sickness quite a bit (stayed home from work today because my breakfast wouldn't stay down).  I'm working a minimum-wage job, 30-40 hrs a week, and desperately needing one that pays more. Once a month, I get to put on my uniform and drill with the Lynchburg RSP; I plan on getting discharged once the baby is born.  And I still have no clue how I am going to pay for college, or finish getting my pilot's license.

I love my friends, and my church, and of course, my own family.  I know they're praying for me, and that they love me.  But I'm honestly depressed, sad, and lonely.  Every day is a struggle to get through without breaking down.  I'm struggling with many things, from my own feelings of unworthiness and the guilt of my sin, to being told that as a single mother I'm less desirable and will have a hard time finding a husband.  I want to talk about these struggles in later posts, not only to get my own thoughts down, but also because I know that somewhere out there, there is another girl who either has been, or is currently going through the same thing.  Perhaps she will find comfort knowing that she's not alone, and I likewise.

Until next time,