Undesirable

Yep, that's what I am.  Or rather, that's what I've been told I am now.  A "friend" that I had known for a couple of years, one that I had been there for throughout the rough times in his life, told me the other day that I was less desirable to good men now that I going to be a single mom.  Oh, and he told me I was deluding myself in thinking that it shouldn't be that way.  Great friend he was.

Okay, I get it.  Most guys aren't going to be interested in a single mom.  And, having been here at Liberty, I've heard the rants about keeping yourself pure, and saying that if you aren't a virgin you're like a glass of water that's been spit in - nobody wants you.  "You're dirty, and used," is what LU students hear.  If you've had sex before, it's like you're a second-rate Christian.

But that's not true.  My sin has not changed who I am.  My identity is the same.  And as a Christian, my identity is found in Christ.  Christ took my sin upon Himself and gave me His perfect righteousness.  So when God looks upon me, and Satan is there pointing the finger saying "Look at her! Look at what she did!" Christ steps in front of me, and says "She's one of mine," and God only sees Him.  I can stand in front of God with my head high because I wear Christ's righteousness and because I have been granted forgiveness and mercy.  Why should I not hold my head high in front of mankind too?

I know who I am.  I am a daughter of the King, the Most High, which makes me a princess.  I am redeemed.  I am a sinner, saved by grace.  And I know the God I serve.  He's not the God of second chances.  Rather, he's the God who always has His arms open to me offering me grace and forgiveness whenever I fail, whenever I sin, whenever I make a mistake, and I turn to him with remorse and repentance.  And you know what?  Instead of pushing me away, and telling me I'm less desirable, He draws me close and reminds me of His love for me.

And so yes, to Christians who don't truly understand what their own depravity is like, and what Christ truly did for them on the cross (and, I would argue, what true love, relationships, and marriage really are all about, i.e., being a Christ-figure and servant to the other person), I am less desirable.  But I take comfort in the fact that there is a young man out there who someday will see me as Christ sees me.  He's out there, I just need to be patient.

(Lord, just pleasseeee don't make me wait until I'm 35 and my kid is in high school.  Please?  *sigh*)

Catching up

It has been quite a while since I last posted.  Since then, it feels as though my world had started to come together and then, just like that, turned upside down.

June 4, 2013 - This day I finally swore in as a soldier in the Virginia Army National Guard.  A feeling of pride and confidence almost overwhelmed me as I held my hand in the air and repeated the Oath of Enlistment.  It had taken a total of 4 trips and 6 days to the Beckley MEPS to finally get to that moment, but I believe it was worth it.  I had enlisted with an MOS of 15T, Blackhawk crewmember.  My plan was to complete BCT and AIT, return to college which would finally be paid for by tuition assistance, working part time, and my drill pay.  Once I graduated college, I would become a warrant officer in the Guard, and fly helicopters.  I was going to be drilling with a MedEvac unit, so I knew should we be deployed, I would be on the front lines evacuating wounded soldiers.  And I was certain this was what I wanted to do.

August 12, 2013 - My bags were packed with what little I was taking to boot camp.  I was as prepared as I could be.  I had run every other day over the summer, swam, done sprints, push-ups and sit-ups.  My mile was down to 8:00, and I'd hit 35 push-ups and 35 sit-ups, each in a minute.

I and the other recruits from Virginia spent 2 days at Ft. Pickett, sitting in class and getting prepared for BCT.  We then were split up to go to our separate training sites.  I went with a group down to Ft. Jackson, SC where we would spend a week in Reception Battalion.  By this time, we were used to hearing Drill Sgts scream, walking in single file, not talking while standing in line, and eating as fast as we could in the DFAC.  At least the National Guard recruits were, as we had drilled at our respective RSPs for one weekend each month.  The others....not so much.  I have never seen so many recruits not understand what "Shut up!" means.  My momma taught me that one a long time ago.

Then, Monday, the day I was supposed to ship with my platoon to actually start basic training, I found out I would be going back home.  A stupid mistake happened before I'd left for basic training, the morning-after pill failed, and I was pregnant.  I sat there in Medical in absolute shock.  Every single one of my plans came crashing down around me it seemed.  And this path to go into the military...I'd prayed over it, begged God to show me if it was the right thing for me, asked him to close the door if He didn't want me to join....He'd brought me all the way to South Carolina, and then slammed the door in my face.  Suddenly, my career was gone, the funding for college was gone (how on earth was I going to pay for college now????), my reputation was gone...  I was going to be a single mother, working my way through college, somehow.

And so, after a week as a holdover, I finally got onto a plane and was headed home.  I swear, the airport and the airplane never looked so beautiful in my life.  Although, as I got tired as the day wore on, I started to get paranoid.  Suddenly, a civilian would look and sound like one of the Drill Sgts, and I was wanting to hide; I began checking ranks on soldiers that passed by in uniform to make sure I was "safe" and didn't have to jump to attention or parade rest, never mind I was in civilian clothes.  Finally, after a very long day, I arrived home, two days before my 20th birthday.

Now, I'm back in Lynchburg.  I'm living with an older couple because I can't afford rent on my own.  I deal with morning sickness quite a bit (stayed home from work today because my breakfast wouldn't stay down).  I'm working a minimum-wage job, 30-40 hrs a week, and desperately needing one that pays more. Once a month, I get to put on my uniform and drill with the Lynchburg RSP; I plan on getting discharged once the baby is born.  And I still have no clue how I am going to pay for college, or finish getting my pilot's license.

I love my friends, and my church, and of course, my own family.  I know they're praying for me, and that they love me.  But I'm honestly depressed, sad, and lonely.  Every day is a struggle to get through without breaking down.  I'm struggling with many things, from my own feelings of unworthiness and the guilt of my sin, to being told that as a single mother I'm less desirable and will have a hard time finding a husband.  I want to talk about these struggles in later posts, not only to get my own thoughts down, but also because I know that somewhere out there, there is another girl who either has been, or is currently going through the same thing.  Perhaps she will find comfort knowing that she's not alone, and I likewise.

Until next time,

Swim modest options!

Hey y'all!  Spring is definitely here in Lynchburg, VA, although it feels that we completely skipped spring and went right into summer!  Only 3 more weeks of school for me, and I'm pumped!  The family is going on vacation to Cape Hatteras as soon as I'm done with my last final, and I'm looking forward to a week of swimming, running on the beach, biking, and learning to surf. However, I have a slight problem - I need a swimsuit!  And it needs to be modest, and I can't spend a ton of money either.

I know that many other people are having a problem close to mine, so I'm going to share what I've found on the internet as options for modest swimsuits.  Now, my personal standards for a swimsuit are much more specific than most others.  I want shorts to come to the knee, or close to it, and a tank top (I'm not into sleeves while at the beach!).  I'm a very active person, so it has to be form-fitting so that it doesn't gap at the neckline, or fly up, either at the waistline or the legs, even while diving, doing cannonballs, or surfing.  That presents another problem - I don't want my pants skin-tight, but they have to be to keep them from flying up.  So, I need a skirt to cover my behind.  The skirt cannot be longer than my knees so I can actually swim, not wallow. And on top of it all, it needs to be attractive!  And guess what I found out?  It's nearly impossible to find something that fits those specifications!  But, notice I said "nearly" because I actually have found some options!

First up, tops.

Tankini top from Adidas.  Probably the one I'm going to go with.

Tankini top from JC Penny.  This would be better for a less active person because of it's loose fit.  It is more likely to gap and fly up while playing around in the pool or ocean.

DivinitaSole has plenty of options for tankinis with skirts.  I like this halter top, although I'd  probably make the ties crisscross across the back.

Athletic tops would work quite well too, although they might fade with too much use in chlorinated water. Some have built-in bras, but others would need a sports/swimming bra or a bikini underneath. Nylon or Polyester mixed with Spandex will be good a good choice, or mesh, which won't cling while wet.

Mesh workout tank from JC Penny

Polyester/spandex workout tank from JC Penny

Also, rash guards are perfect for those looking for even more coverage, since they have sleeves and high necklines.

Cap sleeve rash guard

Next up, bottoms.  I am including those that don't fit my specifications entirely, hoping that they will be helpful for someone else.

My favorite is the "skapri" which is a skirt with capris underneath.  These are available from Nike, Gap, Target, and Runningskirts.com (and probably other places).

Skapri from Target

Argyle Capri Skirt from RunningSkirts.com

Athletic or running skirts are another options.  With these, the skirts are longer than the shorts or briefs underneath.

Athletic skirt from Athleta

Skirt from Athleta - love the detailing!

There are also compression shorts that come with, or could be worn with running shorts.

Mesh shorts with compression shorts from Target

 Board shorts are a good option too.

Long board shorts

Don't forget to check eBay for good deals and more options, especially with the running skirts and skapris!  I would also add that HydroChic has many options for swim skirts, skorts, and skapris, as well as tank tops and rash guards; however, they are are the expensive side.

I hope these have been helpful for those looking for modest swimwear.  I will post pictures from vacation so you can see how my swim outfit works out!

eShakti Dress Review

Sorry I've been MIA for a while, but I'm sure you all know how busy life can get.  It seems that every time I sit down to write, some new homework comes up.  And right now, I do have several books staring at me right now saying "You need to read me for next week's quiz!"  but I'm ignoring them at the moment.  They can wait a few minutes.

Now, I am going to start blogging more, hopefully at least once a week, on my flight training, as well as how I'm trying to get into shape (which a post on why I'm doing that and how I plan on going about my physical training will be come soon).  But today, I have a dress review to post about.

Ladies, if you are looking for modest, fashionable dresses, blouses, and skirts that are reasonably priced and still fit perfectly, look no further than eShakti.  Seriously.  Do you want to know why?  Well, for one, for only  an extra $7.50 every dress can be customized to your specific measurements *and* almost all the dresses can have the length, sleeves, neckline, and/or collar changed. For example, this strapless poplin dress:

What if you love the style, but don't like that it's strapless?  With this dress, you can turn it into a halter dress, or have wide straps put on it (which would look totally cute with a white cap-sleeve shirt underneath, in my opinion).

Anyways, eShakti asked if I could do a dress review for them, and this was the dress I chose:

To say the least, I am very happy with it.  I had it made to my specific measurements, and it fits perfectly.  It's so comfortable to wear!When I wore it for a photoshoot with my brother, I styled it with flats and ankle socks, and wore a coral pink cami underneath because the neckline is slightly lower than I'd like, and it added a bit of color to the outfit too.

Yes, it's got pockets!  That's almost the best part of the dress!

Of course, me being silly and dancing around.

I then wore it to church when I got back to school.  This time, I wore a purple cardigan over it.  As you can tell from the picture, the wind was gusting that day, so this was the best picture I could get that day:

Some details you need to know about the dress: 1) the crepe fabric does like to cling, but the skirt is fully lined, so it doesn't show how much it clings; 2) the off-white fabric is truly off-white - the online picture shows it as a bit whiter than it really is; 3) the side zipper does sometimes stick a little bit, but has yet to actually get stuck (hallelujah, zippers and I don't get along very well normally).

By the way, I sometimes browse their website just to look at all the dresses that I want to get.  I'm definitely going to purchase some of their dresses when I have any money to spend on clothes!

31 Things for Which to Be Thankful

Earlier, when the pecan and pumpkin pies were in the oven baking, I had some time to think about what I'm thankful for.  Now that that dishes are done and the guests are gone, I can take the time to write everything down.  (I should be going to bed right now, but my mind is too active for some reason and I can't sleep...) I've got 31 things - one for each day of November - but first I want to say three things: 1) These are not in order of importance, per say; 2)There are way too many things that I should be grateful for than I can list here; 3) Thanksgiving is a good time to give thanks, but, as a child of God, thankfulness should define my life, not just on one day, or even one month.

1) I'm thankful for Jesus Christ, and the salvation He gave to me through His death on the cross.  Who am I for Him to chose to save me?  It's only because of his mercy and grace that I can be called His today.

2) I'm thankful for my family.  There is not one of my siblings that I would not want to be in my family.  I've missed them so much over the past few weeks, especially my baby sister Regina.

3) I'm thankful that I can attend Liberty University this semester.  It has been such a blessing to be in a Christian environment, where every class starts with prayer, where it is not unusual to talk about God in the middle of English or Aviation class, and where the importance of salvation through Jesus Christ alone is proclaimed.

Fall at Liberty University.  Photo taken by David Duncan.

4) I'm thankful the Lord provided the finances for me to attend this semester.  I have no idea how I'm going to pay for next semester, let alone next year, but I know that if this is what the Lord wants for me, he will provide.

5) I'm thankful for my church where the Word of God is faithfully preached.

6) I'm thankful for where I live.  I firmly believe that Virginia, specifically Southwestern/Central Virginia, is the most beautiful place in the world.  If you don't believe me, come and visit, and that should settle all doubts in your mind.  But I will admit, this is my own subjective opinion.  

7) I'm thankful for the lessons that God has been teaching me.  Some of them have been quite painful, but it's for my good.  God has had to show me, that I'm not such a great person as I think I am.  He has humbled me, and shown me the sin in my life.  I'm not any better than so-and-so.  I am in desperate need of the blood of Jesus Christ to cleanse me from my sin.

8) I'm thankful for aviation.  God has given me something in life to be passionate about.  I used to feel like I had no direction in life.  My life goal has always been to glorify God, and to be a godly wife and mother, but I had no clue what to do with my life.  I couldn't just sit around and wait for Prince Charming to come along!  Aviation is that one think in life I can work towards, and love doing.

9) I'm thankful for my roommate.  I can't complain about having a bad roommate, so I'm especially grateful after hearing some roommate horror stories before.  We get along quite well, even if my bed does squeak horribly and annoys her, and she throws all her stuffed pandas up on my bed.  ;)

10) I'm thankful for good food and a warm place to sleep.

11) I'm thankful for the good friends at Liberty that the Lord has put in my life, that gang that I hang out with.  There are times, when I'm hanging out with my friends, that I just have to stop and thank the Lord for them.  I've never laughed so hard in my life before.  Or done such silly things as fitting 5 people in a Mustang convertible with dance music playing!

12) I know I've said I'm thankful for my family, but I want to specifically thank God for my sister Grace.  At 14, she's such a mature young lady, and I can honestly say, one of my best friends. A year or two ago, I would have never dreamed that I would say that, so I also want to thank God for changing the attitudes of both of us and maturing us so we could have the friendship that we have today.

13) I'm thankful that the Lord has infinite patience with me, even when I fall into the same sins over and over again.  Even when I'm ungrateful for the things I have.  Even when I chose to spend time on Facebook instead of time with him.  In spite of all that, He has never left me.

14) I'm thankful for hobbies.  How boring would life be if it were all work and no play?  I'm thankful for guns and target practicing, screaming and cheering at hockey and football games, watching Tim Hawkins videos on YouTube, and rides in Steve's Camero or Pontes' convertible Mustang. Yeah.

15) I'm thankful for an education. I find such satisfaction in knowing that I'm learning and using the mind God gave me.  The mind is like a muscle, and sometimes, it can be quite enjoyable exercising it.  Gives me a sense of accomplishment, if you know what I mean.

16)  I'm thankful for professors that truly care about me.  For Mr. Harcup who has been trying to help me get a job, and Mr. Reichard who has helped me with my resume (it looks spectacular now!), to name just a couple.

17) I'm thankful for all the people who have given me rides to and from the airport and Walmart and church.

18) I'm thankful for the Bible.  Not only is it the greatest work of literature, but more importantly, it is the inspired Word of God Himself.  

19) I'm thankful for all the people who are praying for me, my education, and my walk with the Lord.  Without their prayers, I don't think I could make it.

20) I'm thankful that the Lord is King Eternal.  He is all-powerful, and nothing is out of His control.  He is a good, just, and righteous King, and He reigns! 

21) I'm thankful for this country we live in.  No other country has a history like ours, a system of government like ours, nor was any other country founded on Biblical principles like ours.  We have a rich heritage, and I'm immensely grateful for it.  

22) I'm thankful for the Church down through the ages.  I'm thankful for the martyrs who gave their lives for the Gospel.  I'm thankful for the Reformers who called the church back to the Word of God.  I'm thankful for the preachers who faithfully preach the Word.  I'm thankful for men, like the Westminster Assembly, who, through much prayer, thought, and debate, wrote down an organized system of doctrine so that we can search the Word ourselves to see if such doctrines are true.  And I am thankful for the hymn-writers who, over the centuries, have written such beautiful songs of praise and thanks to God. 

23) I'm thankful for writing.  How else could we communicate reliably from person to person, let alone from generation to generation.  From newspapers, to history books, to letters, to blogs, we can share facts, thoughts, and feelings without the distortion of the "telephone game" happening.

24) I'm thankful to be strong and mostly healthy.  I may not be happy about my waist size, but that is my own fault.  I really have nothing to be dissatisfied with.  

25) I'm thankful for science.  I say that because it is true, "the heavens declare the glory of God."  When we study the world around us, there is in my mind no doubt that there had to be an Intelligent Designer.  From the stars above us, to the Laws of Physics and Aerodynamics, there is so much beauty and order in our world for it to have all happened by chance.

26) I'm thankful for the small, simple joys of life.  My kitties, coffee, beautiful music, a good book, a beautiful spring day.

27) I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and His promises.  He has said that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I know that nothing can take my Savior or my salvation away from me.  And I know that all things are meant for my good, even when I can't see how.

28) I'm thankful for the steadfast hope I have that I will stand before God in Heaven one day worshiping 
Him with all the other saints.

29) I'm thankful that God listens to my prayers.  There is absolutely no reason that He should listen to me, but He does!  In facts, He wants to hear my prayers!  How amazing and glorious can it get?

30) I'm thankful for the soldiers who have, are, and will be serving our country.  They are protecting us at the risk of their own lives.  I especially remember them as they are away from their families and homes on Thanksgiving holiday.  So here's a big "thank-you" to all the veterans, to all the active-duty military, and to all the young men and women know who are in ROTC and whose goal is to serve or the Reserves.  

31) I'm going to close with a hymn that specifically praises and thanks God for who He is and what He has done for us.

Now thank we all our God, with heart and hands and voices,

Who wondrous things has done, in Whom this world rejoices;

Who from our mothers’ arms has blessed us on our way

With countless gifts of love, and still is ours today.

O may this bounteous God through all our life be near us,

With ever joyful hearts and blessèd peace to cheer us;

And keep us in His grace, and guide us when perplexed;

And free us from all ills, in this world and the next!

All praise and thanks to God the Father now be given;

The Son and Him Who reigns with Them in highest Heaven;

The one eternal God, whom earth and Heaven adore;

For thus it was, is now, and shall be evermore.

Written by Martin Rinkart, c. 1636.  Translated by Catherine Winkworth, 1856.

You might be an aviation student when.....

.....you get information for a speech in Public Speaking from the Airport/Facility Directory, the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board, and the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration).

....your idea of a fun study time is sitting with a group of student pilots translating METARs and TAFs.

....you get depressed from reading weather forecasts that predict low ceilings and visibility for the rest of the week.

....class gets cancelled because the flight simulator is broken.  (True story, my flight block was cancelled this morning because both sims weren't in working order.)

....your biggest goal in life is to get your butt up in the air, whilst everyone else is content with letting gravity keep theirs on the ground.

....the biggest excitement for the week was Delta bringing the A319 into Roanoke for a daily flight to Atlanda.

....you don't consider homework a chore, but something fun.

....You start thinking about how long it would take to get to Walmart if you had to go through a pre-driving checklist and inspection of the car.

....you hear the sound of an airplane engine while walking down the street, and you immediately start scanning the sky to catch a glimpse of it.

......you wake up at 6 AM, memorize the before start-up checklist along with some chair flying whilst gulping hot coffee, get to the airport, run through the checklists from before start-up to after landing on the paper trainer (while consuming more coffee), do a pre-flight on a C172, get back to your dorm, brew more coffee, and your roommate is still asleep.

If you have two or more of these symptoms, you may have a serious illness called Acute Aviation Infatuation Virus, also known as the flying bug.  The only cure is to get in a plane and fly for a few hours.

Time flies....

...when you're having fun, so they say!  And it's true.  I can't believe that I've been at Liberty University for two weeks already.  In some ways, it seems like it was just last week my family was dropping me off, but in other ways, it feels like it's been a couple months!

So much has happened.  I turned 19 on Wednesday.  I've already had my first paper due.  First quiz in AVIA 102 was on V-speeds, and I aced it.  (woooohoooo!!!!)  Tuesday, I had my first flight block with my instructor, and Thursday, I got to run through the pre-flight checklist with just a little help from my instructor.  Hopefully I'll have my first flight in a two weeks or so!!!!!  All my professors are great, and I seriously am enjoying every single one of my classes (even English 102 and Public Speaking, which is saying a lot from me!).

The Lord did some cleaning out of bad influences in my life the first week of classes, which has been painful, but good for me, and He has given me some of the best friends to encourage me and pray for me.  It's been a long time since I've had such a love of learning, and a joy in just living!

My roommate and I are at my family's house for the weekend right now.  It's nice to be home for a little while, and get a good home-cooked meal.  I never knew I could crave grilled chicken and mashed potatoes and cheesecake as much as I have these past days!

Krysti, my roommate is great.  As I write this, she's playing beautiful music on our piano.  The only "roommate rivalry" that we have is when I have to get up really early and be very quiet so as not to wake her!  Even that isn't that bad at all, just a minor inconvenience.

For anyone who's wondering, I haven't started gaining the freshman 15 yet.  It's a 1/2 mile walk to the dining hall from my dorm, so I joke that I walk off everything I eat.  I probably walk about 3 miles a day just to and from buildings and bus stops...not counting the numerous times I get lost on the fourth floor of DeMoss and end up walking in circles...and half of that walking is up hills or flights of stairs!  I'm eating a salad with almost every meal, and staying away from pizza and hamburgers.....most of the time.  The only bad health habits I've picked up on is 1) not eating breakfast, and I'm trying to eat at least oatmeal in my dorm before I leave at 6:30 in the morning for my flight block; 2) not getting enough sleep since, as a pilot, I'm required to have at least 6 hours of sleep every night before I fly - personally I need at least 8 hours to function well - so I'm trying to not stay out too late and then watch music videos until 1 in the morning.  That needs to change too.

Before I close, I'm just going to say that my goal is to write an update on this blog once or twice a week.  I need to keep a record of my college life....all the new things I'm learning, how I'm growing with the Lord, the crazy people I hang out with, the flying stories I'll have.  This is as much for my own benefit and record as well as anyone else who can gain anything from my random thoughts!

In Christ,
Abigail