Three months old!

Miss Meg will be three months old this weekend.  I can't believe it, my baby is growing up so fast!  She giggled for the first time this week.

Meg is a very good baby.  Breastfeeding is going well, although she likes to play with me and smile instead of eating!  She sleeps very well through the night, only waking up once or twice to eat; I don't know how I'd sleep at night if she wasn't cosleeping with me - those first six weeks, she wouldn't sleep for 15 minutes if I wasn't right beside her!  She's is able to sleep on her own now during the day, and can console herself, as long as she has her security blanket to play with!

Smile, Meg!

Meg's other nickname is Mickey.  The story behind that goes like this: Some time ago we got chicks from a bird hatchery called Murray McMurray.  My brother Joel then started calling Meg "Margaret McMargaret" which got shorted to "McMargaret" and now, "Mickey"!  I don't mind that, but I do put my foot down when it comes to "Marg" or "Margie" as Grace sometimes calls her; those are not okay!

In other news, I've been working as a seamstress in alterations now since March, and have been back at my job from maternity leave for 6 weeks.  However, I hope to be able to work entirely from home in the near future so I can spend more time with my baby.  I've been working quite hard on my Etsy business, so stay tuned as I will be posting some exciting updates in the next couple of days!

The cravings are here...

Yup, the cravings have started.  And no, it's not pickles and icecream.  Instead, I have the weirdest (for me) craving for Chinese food!  I've never liked Asian food.  But now, I'm desperately wanting beef and broccoli, egg rolls, and fried rice.  At least those are the few Chinese foods that I have liked to a small degree, but to be craving them?  Whatever....  But, I will attempt to make those dishes at home one night this week.  Here's hoping that it all turns out okay!

Warrant officers, Commanders, and a couple days of drill

Today I had drill with the National Guard.  I also helped the cadre out yesterday so I didn't have to drill tomorrow.  (Sunday as my day of rest is invaluable to me.  If I don't get to go to church and fellowship with other believers, the next week is very draining, physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.)

Anyways, my original plan was to join the Guard and after college go to flight school with the Army and become a warrant officer.  But, I was also planning that on not having kids....and here I am, going to be a single mom.  And I really don't know if I want to do that.  I was talking with my battle buddy, Sandage, about all that, and she agreed with me.  But then our other battle buddy, Abbot came up and was talking about how cool warrant officers were, and I offhandedly mentioned that I had joined to become a warrant officer and didn't know if that was going to happen now, and he said, "Oh, you WILL become one."

I don't know.  On one hand, I want to fly for the Army, very badly.  On the other hand, as a mother, let alone a single one, I do not want to leave my child, nor do I feel it is wise to put myself directly in harm's way.  And, let's be honest, as a helicopter pilot in a MedEvac unit, I will very likely be in a combat zone if deployed.  I really don't think I can or should put myself in that position when I have a child to think about.

But, here's a funny story from yesterday.  I was helping the corporal make phone calls to remind everyone about drill today.  One private's phone number had changed, and the only other way to get a hold of him was to call his emergency contact, his father.  I left a voicemail, and a few minutes later, I got a return phone call.  "Private Thomas, this is Commander ---.  If you're trying to get in touch with my son, his new number is...."  Goodness, I think I snapped to attention when I heard that one!  And my eyes got reaaaaallllyyyy big.  Corporal went "Holy ****! holyyyyy ****" when I told him what happened.  I think he was more freaked out than I was!

Lastly, the biggest problem of having shorter hair, is how much of a pain it is to get it into a bun for proper wear in uniform.  I think I used half of a tube of hair gel just to get it to stay. 

And on that note, I think I shall end this and go to bed early as I have been up since 0600 hrs...

Pregnancy: week 16

Well, as of the beginning of this week, I passed the 4th month of pregnancy.  I'm still dealing with a bit of nausea every now and then, but I'm finally able to hold down more liquids without the queasiness coming on.

I wore maternity pants for the first time this week.  In spite of that horrid spandex maternity panel they all have, they don't look too bad.  And they are comfortable.  I can still wear several of my non-maternity shirts, although I do wear plenty of my new (used) maternity shirts too.

The dryness of mouth still plagues me, and I absolutely hate brushing my teeth.

Oh, and that glowing skin and hair you're supposed to have during pregnancy?  Nope.  I've got chapped lips, acne, and my hair is just.....blah.  I hate it for some reason.  I don't feel great.  Instead, I feel fat, lazy, and ugly.

Because of all that, I think I'm going to go shopping for new makeup.  I rarely wear makeup, but I do want to try just a little bit.  Oh, and I'm seriously wanting to dye my hair with henna.  I just want a slightly darker brown color with very slight auburn tint.  As it is right now, I'm starting to get blond streaks in my hair.  BLOND.  I'm horrified.

And, I've decided that my mom's canned green beans are definitely a comfort food for me.  Mmmm.... Yep, green beans.  But come on!  They're home grown, and I helped snap and can them last month.  That's a pretty good reason if you ask me!

Homeschooled, and proud of it!

Source: TopMastersInEducation.com

Undesirable

Yep, that's what I am.  Or rather, that's what I've been told I am now.  A "friend" that I had known for a couple of years, one that I had been there for throughout the rough times in his life, told me the other day that I was less desirable to good men now that I going to be a single mom.  Oh, and he told me I was deluding myself in thinking that it shouldn't be that way.  Great friend he was.

Okay, I get it.  Most guys aren't going to be interested in a single mom.  And, having been here at Liberty, I've heard the rants about keeping yourself pure, and saying that if you aren't a virgin you're like a glass of water that's been spit in - nobody wants you.  "You're dirty, and used," is what LU students hear.  If you've had sex before, it's like you're a second-rate Christian.

But that's not true.  My sin has not changed who I am.  My identity is the same.  And as a Christian, my identity is found in Christ.  Christ took my sin upon Himself and gave me His perfect righteousness.  So when God looks upon me, and Satan is there pointing the finger saying "Look at her! Look at what she did!" Christ steps in front of me, and says "She's one of mine," and God only sees Him.  I can stand in front of God with my head high because I wear Christ's righteousness and because I have been granted forgiveness and mercy.  Why should I not hold my head high in front of mankind too?

I know who I am.  I am a daughter of the King, the Most High, which makes me a princess.  I am redeemed.  I am a sinner, saved by grace.  And I know the God I serve.  He's not the God of second chances.  Rather, he's the God who always has His arms open to me offering me grace and forgiveness whenever I fail, whenever I sin, whenever I make a mistake, and I turn to him with remorse and repentance.  And you know what?  Instead of pushing me away, and telling me I'm less desirable, He draws me close and reminds me of His love for me.

And so yes, to Christians who don't truly understand what their own depravity is like, and what Christ truly did for them on the cross (and, I would argue, what true love, relationships, and marriage really are all about, i.e., being a Christ-figure and servant to the other person), I am less desirable.  But I take comfort in the fact that there is a young man out there who someday will see me as Christ sees me.  He's out there, I just need to be patient.

(Lord, just pleasseeee don't make me wait until I'm 35 and my kid is in high school.  Please?  *sigh*)

Catching up

It has been quite a while since I last posted.  Since then, it feels as though my world had started to come together and then, just like that, turned upside down.

June 4, 2013 - This day I finally swore in as a soldier in the Virginia Army National Guard.  A feeling of pride and confidence almost overwhelmed me as I held my hand in the air and repeated the Oath of Enlistment.  It had taken a total of 4 trips and 6 days to the Beckley MEPS to finally get to that moment, but I believe it was worth it.  I had enlisted with an MOS of 15T, Blackhawk crewmember.  My plan was to complete BCT and AIT, return to college which would finally be paid for by tuition assistance, working part time, and my drill pay.  Once I graduated college, I would become a warrant officer in the Guard, and fly helicopters.  I was going to be drilling with a MedEvac unit, so I knew should we be deployed, I would be on the front lines evacuating wounded soldiers.  And I was certain this was what I wanted to do.

August 12, 2013 - My bags were packed with what little I was taking to boot camp.  I was as prepared as I could be.  I had run every other day over the summer, swam, done sprints, push-ups and sit-ups.  My mile was down to 8:00, and I'd hit 35 push-ups and 35 sit-ups, each in a minute.

I and the other recruits from Virginia spent 2 days at Ft. Pickett, sitting in class and getting prepared for BCT.  We then were split up to go to our separate training sites.  I went with a group down to Ft. Jackson, SC where we would spend a week in Reception Battalion.  By this time, we were used to hearing Drill Sgts scream, walking in single file, not talking while standing in line, and eating as fast as we could in the DFAC.  At least the National Guard recruits were, as we had drilled at our respective RSPs for one weekend each month.  The others....not so much.  I have never seen so many recruits not understand what "Shut up!" means.  My momma taught me that one a long time ago.

Then, Monday, the day I was supposed to ship with my platoon to actually start basic training, I found out I would be going back home.  A stupid mistake happened before I'd left for basic training, the morning-after pill failed, and I was pregnant.  I sat there in Medical in absolute shock.  Every single one of my plans came crashing down around me it seemed.  And this path to go into the military...I'd prayed over it, begged God to show me if it was the right thing for me, asked him to close the door if He didn't want me to join....He'd brought me all the way to South Carolina, and then slammed the door in my face.  Suddenly, my career was gone, the funding for college was gone (how on earth was I going to pay for college now????), my reputation was gone...  I was going to be a single mother, working my way through college, somehow.

And so, after a week as a holdover, I finally got onto a plane and was headed home.  I swear, the airport and the airplane never looked so beautiful in my life.  Although, as I got tired as the day wore on, I started to get paranoid.  Suddenly, a civilian would look and sound like one of the Drill Sgts, and I was wanting to hide; I began checking ranks on soldiers that passed by in uniform to make sure I was "safe" and didn't have to jump to attention or parade rest, never mind I was in civilian clothes.  Finally, after a very long day, I arrived home, two days before my 20th birthday.

Now, I'm back in Lynchburg.  I'm living with an older couple because I can't afford rent on my own.  I deal with morning sickness quite a bit (stayed home from work today because my breakfast wouldn't stay down).  I'm working a minimum-wage job, 30-40 hrs a week, and desperately needing one that pays more. Once a month, I get to put on my uniform and drill with the Lynchburg RSP; I plan on getting discharged once the baby is born.  And I still have no clue how I am going to pay for college, or finish getting my pilot's license.

I love my friends, and my church, and of course, my own family.  I know they're praying for me, and that they love me.  But I'm honestly depressed, sad, and lonely.  Every day is a struggle to get through without breaking down.  I'm struggling with many things, from my own feelings of unworthiness and the guilt of my sin, to being told that as a single mother I'm less desirable and will have a hard time finding a husband.  I want to talk about these struggles in later posts, not only to get my own thoughts down, but also because I know that somewhere out there, there is another girl who either has been, or is currently going through the same thing.  Perhaps she will find comfort knowing that she's not alone, and I likewise.

Until next time,